


Eight Reasons Why

by Johzanne



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Blind Eren Yeager, Bottom Eren Yeager, Dead Eren Yeager, Emotional, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Sex, Established Relationship, Feels, M/M, Sad, Sad Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Sad with a Happy Ending, Top Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-20 10:11:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6002065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Johzanne/pseuds/Johzanne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A brain tumor lead to Eren's death and the story starts at his funeral. <br/>He didn't want to leave his lover alone after his death, so he recorded eight tapes explaining to Levi  why he loves him. </p><p>Preview:</p><p>A soft sniffle and whine emitted from one of the toilet stalls in the quiet bathroom. </p><p>Levi wiped away his tears and unlocked the door, walking out to the sinks. He was strong and managed to hold back his tears as they lowered Eren's casket into the ground, but his walls came crashing down when everyone started talking about all their fond memories they had of Eren. He raised his head to look into the bloodshot eyes staring back at him in the mirror. A broken sigh past his lips.</p><p>Somehow, he is going to have to start coping without Eren.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tape One

A soft sniffle and whine emitted from one of the toilet stalls in the quiet bathroom.

Levi wiped away his tears and unlocked the door, walking out to the sinks. He was strong and managed to hold back his tears as they lowered Eren's casket into the ground, but his walls came crashing down when everyone started talking about all their fond memories they had of Eren. He raised his head to look into the bloodshot eyes staring back at him in the mirror. A broken sigh past his lips.

Somehow, he is going to have to start coping without Eren.

"Eren Yeager, died three weeks before his seventeenth birthday. He lived his life blind from birth, but didn't let that stop him from everything there was to experience. He was smart, brave and even found love, but unfortunately was stolen away by a slow growing brain tumor. In his life, he...."

Levi recalled the words spoken at the service while splashing some water on his face.

Eren did find love and for long they were happy, but never did he know it would end so soon. Levi took a deep, shaky breath before finally turning away from the mirror and walking out of the bathroom. He felt tired, emotionally tired out. The funeral was very hard on him and it was time for him to go home. With his umbrella in his hand, he walked past the crowd of people into the soft drizzling rain outside.

"Levi! Hold on a second sweetheart!"

Levi stopped and turned around just as Eren's mother, Carla Yeager, caught up with him. Her eyes were just as red as his were moments ago and her face looked just just as tired as his. Eren's death was taking a great toll on her.

"Miss Yeager, I was just heading home..." He told her softly and she rubbed his arm with her free hand. A gesture more to comfort herself than him. For a moment it was quiet, both of them just looking at each other. "Listen, when we..." She bit back a few tears before continuing. "Found Eren in his room, he was holding this to his chest. Since it had your name on it, I'll pass it on to you."

She handed him a taped shut shoe box with Levi's name written in Eren's incredibly messy handwriting. He forced a small smile onto his face and took the box from her hands.

"Thank you, this means so much, he even tried writing..." He trailed off, fighting back the tears threatening to fall and Carla offered him a sad smile. "Go home, look in the box and mourn. I know... How much you two meant to each other." Silent tears ran down her cheeks and she walked away without another word. Levi did the same, swinging his umbrella closed by his side, letting his hair be dampened more by the persistent drizzle.

He walked until he reached the edge of the graveyard where he found a dry bench under a large oak tree to sit down on. For a moment he just stared at the box resting on his lap, wondering if he really should open it. Opening it would mean accepting his death, but leaving it would be denying his love his dying wish.

He lifted his trembling hands from the bench and slowly peeled the clear tape with his cold fingers. He lifted the top and looked at how his name was written. He smiled as he remembered teaching him to write. Eren's reasoning had been that just because he was blind, it didn't mean that he couldn't write a cute love letter to Levi. This said letter was on the verge of illegible, but Levi read it at least a thousand times and kept it safely on his bedside table.

Shaking his head at the painful memories, he put the lid down next to him and picked up the first thing he saw in the box - a note. He studied it close to decipher the somewhat written on top of each other words that explained what to do with the contents of the small shoe box. It read:

,,  
My love,  
You and I both knew this day would come, so to bring you some light in this dark time, I made you these recordings to tell you a few of the reasons why I love you.  
Please listen to them all and remember,  
I love you Levi  
"

Eren signed it with his name in what he must have thought was cursive writing, because he just wrote it without picking up the pen. It was sweet how he tried. In fact, Levi was supposed to teach him cursive writing this following week, but instead, he was going to mourn his loss. He hadn't realized that he was blankly staring at the letter until a tear dropped down and smudged one of the three hearts Eren scribbled at the bottom.

He sniffed and wiped his eyes with his sleeve. He wanted to stay strong a last time for Eren and folded up the note before tucking it into his pocket. Left in the box were four tapes, a portable cassette payer and the headphones that came with it. He chuckled a little. Where did he even find these? He put on the headphones and plugged them into the player. He looked for the first tape and put it in so that the side with the big #1 written on it was playing.

A soft sound came from the headphones, followed by a slow exhale.

"Levi... You always smell so good." He was smelling something? Not that it's surprising, Eren sniffed everything he could get his hands on. For our first anniversary, I took him to a public flower garden and he couldn't stop smiling or smelling. "I have this week's sweater with me, the think, soft, warm one you said is navy blue. It smells cool and clean..." I could hear him sniff my sweater again. "Refreshing. You always smell refreshing compared to the warm smells hanging around the house."

I chuckle. That sweater is probably still at Eren's house. His reasoning was that he needed a daily reminder of me and since he couldn't look at pictures, I suggested that I'd give him one of my sweaters and swap it our every week so that it smelled like me. I felt awkward suggesting it, but the way his blind eyes brightened up assured me that it was just what he needed. I'd only wash it a few days after I got it back, after I got to appreciate the smell of Eren mixed in with the scent of sandalwood. Leave it to Carla to always make sure that the house smelled good for Eren.

"Whenever I can't sleep, I'd snuggle into the collar of it where I can smell your 'Cool Ice' shampoo." He laughed softly. "That way it feels as if I'm tucked in your arms and resting my head in the smooth crook of your neck..." He's probably blushing, I don't have to see him to know that much. After a short silence, Eren cleared his throat. "And I love how your hands smell." He blurted out. "Like rosin and masculinity, with hints of disinfectant. I never thought that the smell of 'Clean' would become so welcoming, after getting to hate it after visiting hospital after hospital, the smell just-" He cut off his own sentence and blew out a slow breath. "But you made it comforting, and it made me happy. I love you for that. I love how you took the bad and made it good and how you stood out in every way, from how you smell, how you talk, how you live... "

I jumped a little when I felt a tear drip off of my cheek and onto my arm. I didn't even realize that I've started crying again, but he just sounds so happy, even though he knew then that he was dying. He knew he had limited time left and decided to spend it on making something for me. "But you always smell the same, even if you've had a bad day, you always smell as if you've just climbed out of a shower and wrapped yourself in a fresh, fragrant towel." A soft laugh emitted that I was all too familiar with. "Weird, right? You're the only person that I can explain this to that wouldn't call me crazy. I mean, who else would appreciate being called 'The best smelling breather I've ever met'?"

Eren was starting to relax and sounded much less self-conscious about what he was saying than at the beginning. Even I was starting to relax and let out a small laugh with him after the last comment. When we started dating, I soon realized how much Eren loved being close to me. One day, I finally asked him why he always wanted to face me when we were laying together, and his answer was one of the cutest things I have ever seen. His mouth opened and closed and he started blushing as he tried to find the words to say. When he finally answered with that line, I couldn't help but laugh a little and blow softly on his face. He smiled and laughed as well before we kissed.

"From then on we didn't waste any time on giving each other nicknames, isn't that right, Soft Hands?"

"Yes it is, Smart Fingers." I answered him.

"I remember how those started..." His tone was fond and happy. "When I was looking for you in the halls, I'd brush past every person's hands, touching their hands unnoticed until I found your soft ones and slipped mine into yours. Every time I'd whisper 'Soft Hands' when I found yours and soon it stuck. It was only when you started answering with 'Smart Fingers' that things got interesting. Every time I would raise your hand to my lips, but actually only to sniff your cool fingers and your skin... Oh god, not only do I love how good your skin smelled of an unique mixture that could only be identified as purely you, but I am intrigued by how it felt. It felt like - Wait. That's for another tape.

When you slept over, you would intertwine our fingers and I would pull our hands up to right under my nose. The smell of your hand and the faint smell of mine mixing together was so comforting and soothing that it carried me to sleep. Some nights, I'd wake up and the dark would seem darker than usual, your soothing scent and tight arms around me would immediately light it up for me again... I don't think I've ever told you this, but... just having something that smelled like you, calmed me like... like turning on the light when you're afraid of the dark.

You were my Nightlight, Levi.  
And that's why I love how you smell."

I raise my hand and smelled the back of my hand where I've felt Eren's lips pressed a million times before. To me it smelled so normal that it was almost nonexistent... But to him it managed to mean so much. I heard Eren take a deep sniff of probably my sweater a last time before the recorder was clicked off, leaving me with the empty spin of the tape before it flipped over to side two.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tape 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really want to make this a book, but I feel my chapters are too short :/  
> So the next one will be longer

"Imagine this: My hand in yours. Your arms around me. My hands on your shoulders when you play piano. My forehead against yours after after we've kissed, heck, actually kissing. Imagine laying together, snuggling up under the covers - naked. Washing my chest in the shower. Feeling my hands work into your back after a tiring day."

The sudden gush of cold autumn wind slapped me back into reality. Eren wasn't really resting his forehead against mine, we didn't just kiss, we aren't cuddling and he's not in my arms.

He's cold, in a casket already six feet under.

Eren sighed happily through the headphones as another cold blast of air cuts through me.

"I can almost feel you laying by my side and hugging me closer."

But I can't. I'm feeling cold and alone. I'm feeling a hole in my heart and emptiness in my hand, where Eren's should be. I feel abandoned and lost in the icy wind that's coming from every direction.

"You were always so soft and warm... And i love gently trailing my fingers over your smooth chest, feeling over the curves and lines I knew off by heart. Or rubbing my thumb over the back of your hand as you read Romeo and Juliet to me for English class, then How to Kill a Mocking Jay, because neither of us wanted our weekly - that changed to daily - appointments to end."

I press the stop button on the player with shaky fingers and stuffed it into my pocket, hoping that when I pull it back out I'll be holding Eren's hand and not a cold little box. How can he be so happy, reliving these memories, if they're tearing me to shreds?

The box next to me holds three more tapes, six more stories, that are going to hurt more than they are going to heal.

I can't do this.

I grab the box and put the lid back on, jumping up and wiping away tears as I rush towards the nearest trash can. I drop the box into the bin, watching it fall to the bottom of the empty trash bag. I sniffle as I pull the cassette player out of my pocket and looked at it as if it was the cause of all my heartache.

Eren put a lot of effort into this, and I didn't even listen to half of it.

Who cares, right? He's dead, he's never coming back and I need to stop crying. I squeeze my eyes shut in attempt to stop them from flowing and blindly felt for the eject button.

Instead, my fingers found the play button and I freeze as Eren's voice floods my ears.

"But if you're listening this, it means that they did and I am so, so sorry... "

My throat tightened at how broken his voice sounds.

"Even before you met me, you knew that I was blind, but you still became my friend. You knew that I was dying, but still... you still chose to love me."

I didn't have a choice when it came to loving him, Eren stole my heart before I even knew I had one.

"I was very selfish in the way I loved you. I gave it my all and pulled you deeper in love with me. You were the first person to care for me that didn't pity me, but actually cared about who I am and what I was. With every touch, I set you up for more hurt, but I couldn't bring myself to stop. The feeling of your warm, soft skin against mine is so addictive that I felt like I couldn't live without it.

The way I could feel your muscles moving in your shoulders, under your skin, as you pressed the keys of a piano, or pulled a bow over a violin's strings. The way those musically talented hands touched me so gently, it all became such a necessity that it felt like hell every time you had to leave."

The tone of Eren's voice blocked out the rain that suddenly started pouring down on me. I reached down to retrieve the box and hurried back to the bench. I was soaked and colder than before when I opened the umbrella over my head, but I was now holding the box securely to my chest, the player back in my pocket.

"I kept reminding myself that you must feel the same. That you also wanted to be curled up together all day long, that you also felt a little empty when you had to go, that your skin - that I so love - also tingled for a while longer where we touched."

I started wandering out of the graveyard and down the sidewalk, not really noting what direction I'm heading in.

I did feel the same, I still do. The feel of Eren's hand in mine lingered as if he had just let go a few seconds ago and not that I hadn't seen or touched him in three days. Oh how I miss touching him, holding him, being with him...

"Sometimes, I wonder how my skin feels to you. Since yours feels so soft to me, does that mean that mine feels rough to you? Since yours is so warm to me, does that mean that mine is cold to you? Do you like the color it is? Do you long for it as much as I long to touch yours?"

Yes Eren, my fingers are burning to feel your skin again, soft, warm and very much alive.

I squeezed the box tighter in my arms. This is the last thing I have left of Eren and I am going to treat it as such.

I heard him sigh softly with the sound of skin rubbing on skin, accompanied by the squeaking of bed springs as he shifted his position. A rush of air came across the track as static before he spoke again.

"So, when the loneliness becomes too much to handle, remember my hand in yours. Your arms around me. My hands on your shoulders when you play piano. My forehead against yours after after we've kissed, remember actually kissing. Remember how we used to lay together and snuggle up under the covers - naked. Remember the feeling of my hands working into your back after a tiring day.

And let your skin remind you of how much I love you."


End file.
